Odds and Ends – Reality Bites
by: Kenneth Caesar C. Javier
It was still vivid to me, that fateful day on April 24, 2009. That usual hot, summer afternoon and I was actually in the middle of my nap when I was awakened by a frantic phone call. It was my girlfriend - telling me she’s pregnant. To say that I was shocked as hell and to say that she was scared to death is a big understatement (believe me). We decided to talk about sorting things out, the rest was history, and how being a young father changed me in a way I didn’t expect. Call it cliché if you may, but really, I felt that 360-degree turn around. Of course, fatherhood isn’t all good especially if you consider my situation: I’m still studying while my girl works her ass off being a call center agent. As much as I hate to say this, right now, I just can’t be the provider that a father should be. It was one reality that smacked me in the jaw from the very beginning. And what did I do about it? I swallowed every pride inside my machismo-fueled body. I learned to accept that the wisest, if not the best, decisions we make in life are the ones that hurt our egos so badly that we can do nothing about it. Acceptance was really hard for me. I thought that it would be easier when we decided that I finish my studies first as she works. As we all know, finding a job is bleak these days especially for undergrads. She and our baby live with her parents. We have the choice to get married and be together but we are not dumb not to be aware that we can’t provide for the baby at this point. That’s our arrangement, plain and simple. I thought that it was all easy to think that one year isn’t a long time until I graduate but it is easier said than done. You might think that I’m a self-pitying wimp, but what the hell, it’s just hard to stay firm, to have more focus and not to give up. It’s also tough hearing her talking to her parents about her work and how she is harassed by her stupid costumers. It pains me a lot to pretend that I’m not hurt. Man, I feel like a losing boxer, unable to move, incapable of fighting back and waiting for that one blow to knock me out. But then again, I helped myself to get up and realized that it’s all part of the game - that it’s just the beginning and there are lots of fights still to be won and that I couldn’t call myself a father if I couldn’t get back on track and focus on my goals. I guess the bottom line is: if you have the guts to do things you want to do whether you know it’s wrong or right, then you must also have the balls to face the consequences of your actions. Sometimes, all we need is one reality check to make us see things in a broader way. In my case, as scared as I was, I realized that escape was never the answer, because what I have now is probably the most exciting and the best experience in my life. I’m not promoting pre-marital sex and I’m definitely not encouraging young parenthood here, all I want to say is that the greatest joy of being a father is felt after experiencing all the pain of acceptance and after you’re through with all the self-pity to the point that you begin questioning yourself. You can still smile and feel proud about it because you know you are a complete person, and you can say that you made the right choice after all. I know I sound preachy right here but the point is that it’s just a matter of digging deep upon yourself to make the right decision. What I did was wrong, but somehow, I made a way to make things right for me and my family. Like I said, it was a complete turn around. I know that I’ve missed a lot of things and opportunities being a young father, but now I know the life that I won’t be missing. Decision making is perhaps both the easiest and the hardest factor that constitutes our existence. Drinking with your buddies when you have a scheduled examination or goofing around with your academic responsibilities hanging - those things come easy, then later on, you feel a touch of guilt and an ounce of fear because you know that you are going to do a lot of catching-up - but I tell you, those things mean nothing compared to family matters. You can amplify all the pressure, all the pain, and all the sacrifice when your family is at stake in every move you do. It seems to me that even a single hour takes too long to pass by, and I still continue to count and wait while I’m studying until we can finally be a happy family like the stories we often hear. It is the little things that kill as they say and we all have our little demons dancing in our heads but the choice is - and will always be - ours to make (or break). Again, a cliché but really, we must think or even re-think things over and over again before taking actions. Obviously, we are all aware of that but in reality, not all of us apply it. We are all going to benefit on the right decisions we make - simple, plain, and true - but the question is: Are we ready to feel the slow burn if we decide things the other way around? Possibly Related Posts:
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